Have you ever thought about some of your childhood experience and drew the conclusion you were abandoned? Maybe it was not being picked up on time from school or maybe being left home alone and feeling scared. Did you know having several of these types of experiences could contribute to a person feeling abandoned over time?
When children are in an environment of feeling like they are losing out or feel like they suffer a loss they can internalize incredible fear. When people do not receive the necessary care, they feel abandoned and this repeated situation causes toxic shame. The wheel in their head plays the loop of “You are not important, you’re not good enough, you are not valued, etc…”
In an article by Psychology Today it discusses how for some abandonment is primarily physical. This happens when physical conditions necessary have been replaced such as:
- Lack of supervision
- Inadequate provision of nutrition and meals
- Inadequate clothing, housing, heat, or shelter
- Physical or sexual abuse
Children are dependent on the care of adults to provide a safe environment, when this does not occur, they believe people are not to be trusted. This also results in the child believing they do not deserve positive attention and proper care.
On the other hand, emotional abandonment is when parents do not provide emotional support that fosters healthy development. This is when a person feels the need to hide any aspect of who they are in order to be accepted.
Some examples of hiding yourself:
- You cannot make a mistake
- You are not allowed to show feelings
- It is not allowed to have needs
- Its not allowed to have success
Have you ever felt like you could not live up to an expectation of your parents? Most likely the expectation was unrealistic and fostered a feeling of abandonment. What about having to be responsible for someone else’s behavior and you were constantly blamed for their actions, you may have feelings of abandonment.
In an article by Huff Post, How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment: 7 Dos and 10 Don’ts, the article describes ways to overcome the fear of abandonment.
Here are a few actions to implement:
- Stop beating yourself up. Fear of abandonment is involuntary and its not something you signed up for – it found you.
- Give yourself unconditional self-love and compassion rather than judge yourself as “weak.”
- Vow to use abandonment fear as an opportunity to develop emotional self-reliance.
- Exude the reality that it’s no one else’s responsibility but yours to make you feel secure. The minute you look to your partner for the solution (and she/he doesn’t comply), you give your power away.
No matter how old you are, when you are rejected in anyway by your parents it has an effect on you. Silence between a parent and child is never the answer, it only divides the relationship. Be open to your children and love them for who they are not what you want them to be. Let love be the answer.